Occasionally Trots and Bonnie

@trotsandbonniefan

Chronicling almost every single bit of Trots and Bonnie and other National Lampoon material. Not run by or affiliated with either Shary Flenniken or National Lampoon.

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Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· 3d

National Lampoon's "1984: Little Brother Is Watching You", January 1984

[Bonnie and Pepsi alongside their friends are in aerobics outfits.]

PEPSI (with Kathy proudly looking on): What a darling chair, Kathy! Where did you get it?
GIRL 2: It's fabulous!
BONNIE (putting a record on): Yeah. It's great.

KATHY (presenting her chair): Can you believe this... I found it in a dumpster! Someone was throwing it out!
PEPSI: Fantastic!
GIRL 2: Incredible!
BONNIE: It's so cute!

BONNIE: That's how I got this sweater... someone just tossed it out!
PEPSI: It's so darling.
KATHY: It's in perfect shape.
GIRL 2: It's great!

PEPSI: People are so wasteful... They throw out great stuff.
KATHY: Incredible!
GIRL 2: So true... I found a whole ser of dishes in the trash on my way home from school.
BONNIE: Fantastic!

PEPSI (to the great concern of her friends): Yeah! I found this great revolver... and this wallet.. in a garbage can!

PEPSI (stumbling a bit from their disapproval): Um... well... the firing pin is a little shaky... and the wallet was empty... but... uh...

[LATER]

TROTS (dragging a large garbage bag along): Bonnie!... Come look at the incredible stuff I found in the trash!

BONNIE (wincing at the smell coming out): Ook...

BONNIE (angrily turning back to Trots): It's garbage!
TROTS: Yeah!... Isn't it great!?

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· 7d

National Lampoon's "Holiday Jeers!", December 1983

TROTS: Hi.
DOG 2: Hi.

TROTS (circling around the other dog): What are you? A male? Or a female?

DOG 2: What do you mean, stupid? Can't you tell the difference?!

TROTS: No... it's just that you're so fluffy, I couldn't see your wienie.

DOG 2: Keep your eyes of my wienie!

TROTS: What's the matter? Afraid somebody might bite it off?

DOG 2 (getting ready to pounce on Trots): I'll bite your fuckin' ears off!

[Trots and the other dog start wildly attacking each other until their respective owners come to stop them.]

BONNIE: Trots! No!
GIRL 2: Fritzie!

[The two girls work together to pull their dogs away from each other.]

GIRL 2: Fritz... my itty bittums! He attacked you!

GIRL 2: Oh, my poor darling. Are you hurt?
BONNIE: Shame on you.
TROTS: I was just helping Fritz prove his manhood.

BONNIE: Why can't you be nice?
TROTS: I was nice... I let him live.

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· 11d

National Lampoon's "Game Over", November 1983

MOM (welcoming Bonnie): Oh, Bonnie! I'd be delighted to help you with your homework.

MOM: Anything but math. I was never very good at that.

MOM: Sexual Information 101! That's disgusting!

MOM (throwing the book over the couch): That's something you should learn in the home, not the classroom. I can tell you everything you need to know.

MOM: The husband's penis gets big and hard when he looks at his wife in the nude,

MOM: Then he inserts his penis into her vagina and rubs it in and out.

MOM: Then sperm spurts out of his penis.

MOM: Then he goes to sleep and she gets up and showers thoroughly.

MOM: It's a beautiful expression of love between two people who promise to stay together forever.

BONNIE (bombarding her with questions, much to shock of her mother): But how do you pick the guy up in the first place? Should you trim your pubic hair? What's your opinion on bondage? Is it polite to ask him to go down on you? Can he tell when I have an orgasm? Does sperm cause tooth decay? Where's my G-spot?

[The scene shifts to Bonnie's mother in bed, flirtingly lifting her blanket to reveal her trimmed box to the shock of Bonnie's father.]

MOM (melodically): Edward... I trimmed my pubic hair. Do you like it?

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· 14d

National Lampoon's "Dilated Pupils", October 1983

MOM (scolding Bonnie laying on the couch): We're not going to give you money anymore, Bonnie... It's time you started paying your own way around here.

BONNIE: But I'm a kid. I'm not supposed to work.

MOM (sits down onto the couch): I was talking to your sister's Girl Scout leader the other day and she said her husband is a doctor.

MOM: She says he can find something for you to do at the hospital after school. Isn't that nice?

BONNIE (after being dropped off by her mom at the Brick Mason Memorial hospital): Whatever happened to child labor laws?

[Bonnie is stunned to learn that she will be working inside of a morgue.]

MORGUE WORKER (handling a dead body): Oh good. You must be Bonnie. You're just in time to help me saw this rib cage.

MORGUE WORKER: Come on over here. Let me show you this urethra.

MORGUE WORKER (to Bonnie, who is covering her eyes): What's the matter? Never seen a dead man before?

BONNIE (suddenly enthused): Wow! I've never seen a naked man before.

BONNIE (excited, much to the horror of her mom): Look, mom! I got my first paycheck... and these tumorous lymph nodes... and these tumorous lymph nodes!
TROTS: One day on the job, and she's already bringing her work home.

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· 17d

National Lampoon's "All-Star Gala Self-Congratulatory Issue", September 1983 /// CONTENT WARNING: Underage Drinking ///

[Bonnie and Trots are sat at a table.]

BONNIE: I feel awful.

BONNIE: I'm never going to find a boyfriend. I know why... it's because I'm to fat.

BONNIE: I'm so depressed. I'm a hopeless chubbette.

BONNIE: I am going to try getting drunk.

BONNIE (grabbing a bottle a wine): This is an anesthetic, right?

BONNIE: I want to forget everything and experience oblivion.

[Bonnie takes a rather large gulp of the wine.]

BONNIE: I'm still depressed.

BONNIE: Doesn't this stuff work?

BONNIE: When am I going to stop feeling fat?

BONNIE: I steel feel horrible, only know I'm dizzy.

BONNIE (into the table): Waahh!

[Bonnie opens the fridge and starts eating whatever she can until she passes out. Trots lays at her side until she wakes up, presumably hours later.]

BONNIE: Oh no. I ate all the peanut logs.
TROTS: You ate all my Gainesburgers.

BONNIE (back at the table with a couple of bottles near her feet): I feel awful.
TROTS: Dog food gives me a hangover too.

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· 21d

National Lampoon's "E.T. and John Glenn: Remarkable Coincidences, or What?", August 1983

[Bonnie and Pepsi are at a gender-segregated party.]

PEPSI: These parties are so boring. All the boys are so boring. I'm so bored.
BONNIE: I really don't expect to meet anyone... I just came to watch.

PEPSI: Oh my heart, one of them is coming over here, to No-Man's-Land.

PEPSI (increasingly ecstatic): He's crossing into the twilight zone.

PEPSI (with unmeasurable enthusiasm): He's heading this way!

BOY (talking to Bonnie): Hi, cutie. Want a drink?

[Pepsi frustratedly looks at the reader.]

BOY (grabbing Bonnie's arm): Don't you hate parties? Let's go upstairs to my room.

[Pepsi whistles nonchalantly. Bonnie and the boy finally return.]

BOY: Thanks, babe. Gotta go now. I'll call you.

BONNIE (talking to Pepsi, surrounded by her disgusted peers): Ick! He tried to touch tongues!
PEPSI: He's not going to call you, you know. They never do.
BOY (walking merrily back to cheers of his peers): Wow! It was fantastic!
PEER: Congratulations!
PEER 2: You scored!
PEER 3: Incredible groundwork!

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· 24d

National Lampoon's "Vacation!", July 1983

[Bonnie is standing in the middle of the kitchen entrance with a dark, empty stairway behind her.]

BONNIE: I'm scared. I had a bad dream.

BONNIE: I was all alone. It was cold and dark. Nobody cared about me.

MOM (disapprovingly): That's nonsense. You shouldn't let a stupid little dream disturb you.

BONNIE (clutching the side of the recliner, unsure): Daddy? I'm afraid nobody loves me.

DAD (misogynistically): Well, maybe you'd have a boyfriend if you would dress like a normal young lady.

BONNIE (desperately): Kathy? I had a horrible nightmare that won't go away.

KATHY (annoyed at being awoken): I told you to stay out of my room! You hopeless little baby. You are pathetic!

[Bonnie walks out into her large but empty front yard in the middle of a cold, dark night and cries out loud.]

BONNIE: Wwaaahhh!

NEIGHBOR 1: What's that racket?!
NEIGHBOR 2: Shuddup!
NEIGHBOR 3: Go inside!
NEIGHBOR 4: Haven't you got a home?

[Bonnie stands stunned at the less than warm response of her neighbors. She then decides to walk back inside into the relative comfort of her bedroom.]

TROTS (to a still frightened Bonnie, clutching a pillow): Nothing down here but snakes and monsters... you're welcome to join us.

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· 28d

National Lampoon's "Adults Only!", June 1983

[Bonnie and a boy sit upon a tree as Trots gets it on with another dog down below.]

BONNIE: It would be nice to build a treehouse up here and pretend to be a family.

BOY: I'm not ready to get involved with anybody.

BOY: Having a girlfriend is a big responsibility. You have to hang out with her a lot.

BOY: You have to call her up and talk a lot and ask her out on dates and buy her flowers.

BOY: And you have to spend a lot of time thinking about her.

BOY: Sitting next to the same person, day after day, on the school bus... what a trap.

[Their conservation is interrupted as Trots loudly reaches his climax inside of another dog.]

BOY (holding Bonnie): Let's go steady.

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· Jul 28

National Lampoon's "South Pacific", May 1983

[Bonnie and Trots look longingly in front of Pizza and Video Heaven, an arcade.]

TROTS: I love video games... I never get tired of playing Smurf Attack.

BONNIE: Well, it's more of a challenge when you have to play with your paws.

BONNIE (at Hair Dresser): Being at the controls just doesn't thrill me like it used to.

BONNIE (at Cold War): So the frog gets to live. Big deal.

BONNIE (at Talk Show): It's all so two-dimensional.

BONNIE: Ho hum.

BONNIE: Dum de dum.

BONNIE (humming in boredom): Mmmmmm

[Suddenly, a large explosion emanates from the Tyrant cabinet, knocking Bonnie back and alerting Trots.]

TYRANT MACHINE (increasingly more frantic): You lose! You lose! You lose!

BONNIE (in tattered clothes, pointing back): That ones really fun. Can I have another quarter?

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· Jul 24

National Lampoon's "Annual Swimsuit Issue", April 1983

[Bonnie and Trots are sat on a couch as Bonnie works up the courage to call a boy she knows.]

TROTS: Why don't you call him?

BONNIE: It's so hard to think of what to say.

BONNIE: If I was incredibly beautiful, I wouldn't have to say anything.

BONNIE: There'd be so many boys around, I'd be tripping over them on my way to answer the phone.

BONNIE: I could pick and choose the ones I liked best.

BONNIE: They'd do anything for me, just to be near my gorgeous body.

BONNIE: They'd take care of me, They'd treat me like a princess,

BONNIE (frantically): They'd touch me and stroke me and make me feel good.

BONNIE: All I'd have to do is sit there and be adorable.

TROTS (interrupting): Sound pretty much like being a dog.

BONNIE: I guess that means I'll have to develop a personality.

[Once again, Bonnie and Trots stare at the phone until Bonnie finally calls him.]

BONNIE (trying to sit cool): Hey, Nelson. How do you feel about aggressive women?

TROTS: Now ask him if he wants to tip over some garage cans and then go for a romp in the park.

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· Jul 21

National Lampoon's "Warning!", March 1983 /// CONTENT WARNING: Nudity and Foul Language ///

[Bonnie, Pepsi, and Trots are sitting on a stage.]

BONNIE: My fetal acting career is going down the tubes.
PEPSI: This school play is a total snooze.

BONNIE: "A Midsummer Night's Dream" was considered a with-it play back in the sixteenth century.
PEPSI: Well, gag me with the Gregorian calendar.

BONNIE: I think it might have some jokes in it, but I can't understand the dialogue.
PEPSI: It needs a rewrite. More sex.

PEPSI (furiously writing): We'll change all the forest scenes to bedrooms. The audience will be jerking off in their seats.

[Bonnie and the Gang look at the freshly painted posted of Pepsi's play, "A Hot, Steamy Midsummer Night's Wet Dream".]

PEPSI: For the first time in history, a school play will show a profit.

PEPSI (in a scandalous outfit for a school play): Through the bedroom have I gone, but g spot found I none... on whose eyes I might approve this herpes force in sadomasochistic love.

GIRL: Oh! As true as truest horse, that yet would never tire.

[Pepsi pushes Bonnie onto the stage. Bonnie, wearing a horse mask, fumblingly waltzes onto the stage, seemingly forgetting her line as she does so.]

BONNIE: Uh...

BONNIE: Er...

BONNIE (sweating): Uh...

[The panel extends to a larger shot of the stage and audience.]

BONNIE: Oh shit!

[The panel jump cuts to the end of the play where Bonnie and Pepsi receive a rapturous flower storm and applause.]

BONNIE: I blew my line!
TROTS: They loved it. It was filthy.

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· Jul 17

National Lampoon's "Raging Controversy!", February 1983

[The panel opens with Bonnie and Pepsi sitting on a couch.]

PEPSI: Bonnie... I'm your friend... I gotta tell you... you are terminally passé.

PEPSI (holding a record): What is this! You throw a party and expect people to listen to The Beach Boys!?!

PEPSI (pulling on Bonnie's outfit): And this outfit! Out! Out! Out!

PEPSI: Vienna sausages on toothpicks? Cheez whiz?

PEPSI (throwing Bonnie's stuff into the firepit): There's nothing like a ritual burning to make you feel like a new woman!

BONNIE (covering herself): Now that I don't have any clothes or records or food for my party, what do I get?
PEPSI: What do you mean, "What do I get?"

PEPSI: Bonnie, these are important matters of taste. It takes time to develop panache.

PEPSI: I can't do everything for you.

PEPSI (comforting a sobbing Bonnie): Oh. Okay. I'll loan you some stuff.

[The panel shifts to Bonnie's party as a row of guests in exactly Bonnie's previous outfit shows up. Bonnie dressed in Pepsi's loaners looks in frustration at Pepsi.]

GIRL: Bonnie! I hardly recognized you!
BOY: Could we turn this music down? It's giving me a headache.
BOY 2 (speaking to Bonnie): Do you have any Cheez Whiz to put on this celery?
TROTS: The thing I love about my coat is knowing that it'll never go out of style. What I don't like is that I have to wear it while it's being cleaned.

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· Jul 14

National Lampoon's "Fresh Air Issue", June 1980 /// CONTENT WARNING: Nudity and Accidental Death ///

[The panel opens with a top-down view of Bonnie, Pepsi, and Trots walking through a luxury retirement complex.]

PEPSI: This retirement condominium is really youthifying my grandparents.
BONNIE: Why is it surrounded by barbed wire?

[Bonnie pulls Trots' leash to prevent him from pooping on the pavement.]

BONNIE: There's no place for Trots to ca-ca.
PEPSI: There's an official pooh-pooh spot around here somewhere.

[Bonnie and the gang arrive at the designated "Canine Comfort Area" which is covered with various dog poop-related warnings.]

PEPSI: You're right, Bonnie. This place is pretty tight-ass. Let's go swimming and loosen up!

[Bonnie and Pepsi head off to the sauna.]

PEPSI (while undressing herself): It's okay to get naked... everybody's at the bingo game.

PEPSI: What a life! No wonder they need guards at the gate to keep the rabble out.

[Pepsi senses Bonnie and Trots are not thrilled with their sauna stay and decides to go to the pool and cool off.]

PEPSI: Now for a refreshing plunge!

[Bonnie and Trots jump into pool and find that it is rather cold.]

BONNIE: Yaahh!
PEPSI: It's a bit chilly... I'm gonna warm up in the jacuzzi!

[Similarly, Bonnie finds the jacuzzi to be quite warm.]

BONNIE: Hot!
PEPSI: Sure! That's why they call it a hot tub!

[Pepsi gets out of the hot tub to adjust the settings to be a bit more comfortable for Bonnie.]

PEPSI: I'm turning on the bubbles and turning up the heat!
BONNIE: Wow!

PEPSI: Aa a a h h. Nothing could bring me down now.
BONNIE (worried): Your grandparents are coming.

[Much to their alarm, Pepsi's grandparents arrive to the hot tub with their old-fashioned swim suits and wear.]

PEPSI'S PA: We're going to join you girls.
PEPSI'S GRAN: Bingo always wears us out.

PEPSI'S PA: My my... it's hot in here. You girls shouldn't stay in too long if you're not used to it.

PEPSI'S PA: Gracious! I hope this heat doesn't throw off my pacemaker out of whack. Let's all get out.

[Pepsi's grandmother starts turning red and soon keels over, much to the shock of everyone else.]

PEPSI'S PA: Don't just sit in there! Run to the infirmary and get the doctor!

[Bonnie and Pepsi shamelessly try to sneak out of there without helping Pepsi's grandmother. As they do, her grandfather sees that they are nude and also keels over prompting Pepsi to attempt CPR.]

TROTS: Maybe if you'd put on your clothes on he'd start breathing again.

PEPSI (in mourning clothes): Now who's gonna send money at Christmas?
BONNIE: Don't feel too bad, Pepsi. You inherited their condo.
TROTS: But she has to be sixty before she can move in.

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· Jul 10

National Lampoon's "Tenth Anniversary Issue", February 1980

[The panel opens with Bonnie and Trots on some sidewalk somewhere.]

BONNIE: I think I'm getting old, Trots.

BONNIE: I get up, go to school, come home, find some excuse to not do my homework... I watch twenty year-old reruns on TV 'cause there's nothing new happening these days... and go to bed early 'cause I'm tired all the time.

BONNIE: Nothing really interests me anymore.

BONNIE: I look at all this stuff in the store windows... and there's nothing I want.

BONNIE: I don't want to go out and play...

BONNIE: I don't want to visit my friends... they all seem boring and vapid.

BONNIE: Even people I see on the street seem surreal and weird...

BONNIE: ...They look like they're wearing grotesque masks... shallow, painted-on smiles... eyes rolling in dull surrender to imbecility.

BONNIE: Look at this poor jerk! What an ugly. pathetic creature... he should be put to sleep. He looks, like he's asking to be put out of his misery.

MAN (eagerly right in her face): Hey! I just want to tell you... you're beautiful. Really beautiful.

MAN (waving goodbye to Bonnie as he goes on his way): Have a beautiful day!

BONNIE (looking into a store display): Oh Trots! Look! Electric Disco roller skates! I want 'em!

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· Jul 7

National Lampoon's "Fantasy", January 1980

[The panel opens with Bonnie and Pepsi attending a protest march against pornography.]

BONNIE: I don't think I hate dirty books... but I haven't read enough of them to know.
PEPSI: Think of pornography as symbolic rape, Bonnie... Women Who Hate All Prurient Publications is opposed to every form of literary sexual abuse.

BONNIE (disappointed): Does that mean I have to hate pictures of naked boys, too?
PEPSI: Maybe this incredibly perceptive poem they've asked me to recite will make it all clear to you.

PEPSI (pointing to the crowd): "When you mentally undress me...

PEPSI: ...Be sure to take off my armpit shields and my 'Light Days' panty liners...

PEPSI: ...Take off my girdle and my garter belt and my support hose...

PEPSI: ...Remember to remove my training bra and my nursing bra and my push-up bra with the 'Fiber Fill' cups...

PEPSI: ...Take off my taffeta slip with the adjustable shoulder straps... and my briefs with the cotton crotch...

PEPSI: ...Take off my undershirt and my thermal Long Johns...

[The crowd starts to turn against Pepsi's poem.]

PEPSI: ...While you're at it, don't forget my sanitary napkin belt and my new beltless maxi-pads!

[A mob of angry protesters climb onto the stage.]

PEPSI: ...Peel off my sweatsocks [sic] and my shoulder holster..."

[The mob grabs Pepsi and proceeds to relentlessly tussle her.]

PEPSI: Hey! Ow! Wait! Stop! No! Yikes!

[Finally, they literally kick Pepsi off the stage. Bonnie manages to catch her mid fall, both tumble onto the ground.]

BONNIE: Wow. Beaten by your own troops.
PEPSI: Must have been a splinter group.
TROTS: Women Who Happen to Abhor Poetry.

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· Jul 3

National Lampoon's "Comedy", October 1979

[The panel opens with Bonnie's mother vacuuming outside Bonnie's room. She enters Bonnie's room, revealing a room in total disarray. She starts fixing it up when she decides to take a look in Bonnie's drawer. While making it look neat, she stumbles upon a magazine Bonnie had stashed away. Her curiosity gets the better of her and she starts to read which gradually reveals why Bonnie probably stashed it away. Unsurprisingly, this upsets her!]

[She starts frantically rummaging through the drawer for more of her literature, which she eventually leaves with. A little later, Bonnie enters her rooms and leaps onto her bed contently. Eventually, she notices her ajar drawer. She takes a quick look in and discovers that her hidden literature gone.]

BONNIE: Oh no! Where's my Hard-On Magazine!? Where's my copy of Patty's Prurient Pets? And Homo Orgy?!

[The panel shifts to Bonnie's parents in bed. Bonnie's father is annoyed by his wife 's reading in bed with a blanket above her head.]

DAD: You're keeping me awake, Jane! What are you doing under there?!
MOM: Reading.

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· Jun 30

National Lampoon's "Fall Potpourri Issue", September 1979

[The scene opens with Bonnie reading a book as her mother comes in and chides her.]

MOM: Oh, Bonnie... I see you're not doing anything...

MOM: Umm... I have something to tell you... and it's going to be very pleasant for either of us.

MOM: Someday... you'll discover some uh... blood... uh... between your legs.

[Bonnie looks at the reader stunned.]

MOM: This is something that happens to all girls when they're about thirteen or so..

MOM: It's probably the worst thing that ever happens to a woman 'til she gets married.

MOM: Anyway... it's the end of childhood... and the begining [sic] of thirty or forty years of worrying about getting pregnant.

MOM: This stuff... it's not really even blood... it's the lining of your... uh... womb... fluid and waste matter.

MOM: It'll flow out for about a week... then it'll come back again and again every month for almost the rest of your life...
'til you're used to it...

MOM: ...Then it'll stop... and you'll be old.

MOM: Here's a little book called Growing Up and Liking It.

MOM (hand to her head): It hurts, too.
BONNIE (timidly): Thanks, Mom.

BONNIE: Do you want to read this?
TROTS: I'll wait for the movie.

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· Jun 26

National Lampoon's "Vacation!", August 1979

[The panel opens with Bonnie and Pepsi exploring the floor of the Spiritualist Church Psychic Fiesta.]

PEPSI: Don't expect any revelations, Bonnie... think of it as a chance to spend fifteen minutes talking about yourself.

[Pepsi gestures to Bonnie to follow her into the tent of some clairvoyant palm reader. Bonnie is clearly hesitant.]

PEPSI: It's cheaper than psychoanalysis!

[Bonnie overhears the conversation of passersby who just came out of the tent.]

WOMAN: And then she said, "You're never too old to tune in on the infinite."

PEPSI: He said I have the hands of an artist, and I should meditate, and eat less sugar.

PEPSI: Go on, Bonnie... you'll like this guy. He's real perceptive.

[The man holds tight onto Bonnie's laid our palms, as if he's actually trying to get even a small whiff of the infinite.]

PALM READER: I can't seem to get a reading...

PALM READER: Please! Clear your mind! All you are thinking of is sex!

PALM READER: I see you alone in a bedroom masturbating... I see you mentally undressing people.

[Bonnie is understandably freaked at the clairvoyant's seemingly accurate readings. Caught off guard by the seemingly unending stream of sex thoughts in Bonnie's mind, he kicks her out of the tent.]

PALM READER: This is disgusting! You are obsessed with sex!

[The panel shifts to Bonnie and Pepsi recounting their experience with the palm reader in the relative comfort of a suburban backyard.]

BONNIE (utterly amazed): Wow! That's amazing... he knew exactly what I was thinking.

TROTS (performing a paw reading on his lady friend): You will be coming into heat soon... you should return to me then for further advice.

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· Jun 23

National Lampoon's "Sports", July 1979

[The panel opens with Bonnie and her parents waiting in a rather long line for the Royal Fork Smörgorama buffet.]

MOM: Oh, Bonnie! They have your favorite tonight... roast beef!

DAD: Oh, good! There's still plenty of carrot and raisin salad left!
MOM: And creamed herring!

DAD: Eighty-three kinds of salad! For $4.95, you really get your money's worth!
MOM: Take lots of mushrooms.

DAD: Hot rolls! Cornbread! Bran muffins!
MOM: Tuna noodle casserole!
BONNIE: Ugh... boiled peas, boiled corn, and boiled broccoli.

MOM: Take some mashed potatoes, Bonnie... they taste good with the turbot.
BONNIE: I like the macaroni lasagna better.

DAD: I can't wait to dig into those Swedish meatballs and fried chicken wingettes!
BONNIE: Oh, boy! A whole vat of chocolate mousse!

[The panel shifts to a table as Bonnie and her parents dig into their select choice of foods.]

MOM (surprised): Jell-O? You got Jell-O? You can have Jell-O at home!
BONNIE: But it's good here... it's got canned grapes in it.

BONNIE: I like to mix the Chop suey with the hamburger stroganoff.
MOM: Hmmm... now I can't tell the tamales from the egg rolls.
DAD: Gosh! Great goulash!

[Bonnie gets up to get more food at the counters before her parents stop her.]

DAD: Oh, Bonnie, if you're going back for more mousse, will you bring me some garlic bread?
MOM: And more sweet and sour ribs!

BONNIE: I know it's just cool whip mixed with cocoa... but it's best mousse I've ever had!
DAD: Can I finish your Spanish rice?
MOM: I'll trade you for a fish stick!

[The scene shifts to outside the buffet as the MacFarland family get ready to leave in their car.]

BONNIE: Whew!... I was so hungry when we got here... and I'm so stuffed now. I was only happy for a brief period in the middle.
TROTS: Sort of like sex.

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· Jun 19

National Lampoon's "Kids", June 1979

[The panel opens with Trots crazedly barking at the viewer. It is then revealed that Trots was just trying to defend his car a couple of old ladies outside.]

TROTS (thinking): Guarding is tough work... I could use a drink.

TROTS: Whew! It's hot in here! Why didn't I get a drink before we left home?

TROTS: They've been gone for hours... how long does it take to try on training bras?

TROTS: Why did I want to come along anyway?... That was really stupid.

TROTS (overheating): I'm hot and bored... I could have stayed home and slobbered on the picture window.

TROTS: I don't think I'm gonna make it... 'wonder if they bought any Perrier?

TROTS (pawing at groceries): What have they got here?... Bread... bagels... cookies... spaghetti... bananas... hmmmm... orange juice.

TROTS: Hey! Frozen steaks and lamp chops! And frozen peas! They feel nice and cool.

TROTS: Phew! That's better!

[Trots relaxes as he lets these items cool him down, oblivious to Bonnie and her mother in the distance.]

BONNIE: Trots! You bad dog! You got in the groceries!
MOM (irritated): There's fur all over these steaks!

BONNIE: See if we ever let you come shopping with us again!

[Trots pants and flashes a great big smile, much to the ignorance of Bonnie and her mother.]

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· Jun 16

National Lampoon's "International Communism and Terrorism Issue", May 1979 /// CONTENT WARNING: Nonconsensual kissing and mentions of blood and gore. ///

[The panel opens with Bonnie and Trots walking towards the entrance of a movie theater for a date. In the distance, a dorky, poorly dressed guy is seen waiting for Bonnie.]

TROTS: How could you consent to a date with bubblebutt?...
BONNIE: Who wants to go to the movies alone?
TROTS: He makes you pay your own way.

[Bonnie and the boy walk up to the attendant.]

BONNIE: Two, please.

GEEK: Oh boy! I've been waiting to see Night of the Psychotic Razor Fiends ever since it was condemned by the Reader's Digest!

GEEK: Look at the size of that blade! Wow! They're thin-slicing the baby!

[The geek grasps Bonnie's hand.]

GEEK: Oh! Hold my hand! She's buried alive in a coffin with one of the fiends!

GEEK: Incredible special effects! The bedroom looks like blood soup!

[Bonnie starts to feel queasier as each new terrifying scene comes and goes.]

GEEK: Terrific! He's cleaning her like a fish!

[The geek wraps his arm around her neck and pulls her closer to him in utter glee as he fixates on the gruesome scenes, much to the disgust of Bonnie.]

GEEK: I don't believe it! Intestines can't be that long!

[Without her consent, the geeks pulls Bonnie in for a long and deep kiss. Yikes, dude! Bonnie recoils and makes an excuse to go to the bathroom as the unrepentant geek grins insanely at her.]

BONNIE: Excuse me... I have to go to the bathroom!

[Bonnie meets up with Trots outside the theater and vents about her experience with the geek.]

TROTS: Walked out, eh?
BONNIE: It was horrible and nauseating... but the movie was great.

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· Jun 12

National Lampoon's "April Fool!", April 1979 /// CONTENT WARNING: Nudity ///

[The panel opens with Bonnie calling for Pepsi as she gets ready in her green room, the girl's restroom.]

BONNIE: You're on in five minutes, Pepsi!
PEPSI: I'm almost ready.

[The panel shifts to the stage as Pepsi presents herself at the "Parade of Stars" talent show.]

PEPSI: This is my poem called "Power."

[Pepsi proceeds to completely undress herself by taking off her paper outfit. Unravelling the dress, she reads it line by line.]

PEPSI: So you think because I wore pink booties, I'm not good at math?...

PEPSI: You think because I shave my legs, I can't change a flat tire...

PEPSI: You think because I can get pregnant I shouldn't talk dirty...

PEPSI: You think because I don't wear a jockstrap, I can't drive a forklift...

PEPSI: You think because I play with dolls, I can't fire an M-16...

PEPSI: You think 'cause I have lace on my underpants, that I don't like to drink beer and watch football...

PEPSI: You think because my tits stick out that I don't have wet dreams...

PEPSI: You think that 'cause I don't have hair on my chest that I can't fight back?...

PEPSI: You think because I have nothing dangling between my legs that I'm not as tough as you?...

PEPSI: Well, surprise. surprise, I have a penis hidden deep inside me!

PEPSI: It is sleek and strong...

PEPSI: And I use it to screw those who would have me spend my life in the kitchen...

[The panel shifts to Pepsi's body once again, revealing that Pepsi has been reading from a roll emanating from her vagina. A heap of uncurled paper pools haphazardly below her. ]

PEPSI: I use my secret prick to impale those who think of me as a baby machine!...

PEPSI: The throats of big-mouthed sexist pigs will be the receptacle for my enraged sperm.

[Agitated, two people swiftly come to take her off the stage, much to her protests.]

PEPSI: Hey!
BONNIE (dumbfounded): That was a long poem...
TROTS: And a wet one.

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· Jun 12

Another obscure Trots and Bonnie sketch I dredged from the depths! Anyone have a clue where this might be from?

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· Jun 11

Sorry for the delay, I lost power for a couple of days due to some incredibly stupid people -D.B. National Lampoon's "Chance", March 1979

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· Jun 5

Second part from "Trots & Bonnie Meet the General's Daughter" in Dopin' Dan #1, 1972(ish)? // It turns out there's a scan of Dopin' Dan on IA lol. I don't know how I missed that. Please enjoy the latter half of this wonderful strip! //

GENERAL'S DAUGHTER (holding several glass eyes): See? Aren't they nifty? Durable too! Those chinks make amazin' stuff!

BONNIE: I was just admiring this lovely coffee table...
GENERAL'S DAUGHTER: Oh yeah, Daddy brought that back from Vietnam.

GENERAL'S DAUGHTER: Solid mahogany, with inlaid Viet-Cong skull. Pretty design, isn't it?

GENERAL'S DAUGHTER: How do ya like the German helmet flower vase? It doesn't hold much water 'cause of the bullet hole.

GENERAL'S DAUGHTER: But it goes nice next to the tattooed lampshade. They're both antiques, very rare!

BONNIE (a little freaked out): Does your Daddy bring you... uh... toys?
GENERAL'S DAUGHTER: Well, I like to play with...

[The girl opens a cabinet, pulling out a small mask of a goateed guerilla head, much to the shock of Bonnie and Trots.]

GENERAL'S DAUGHTER: ...This shrunken guerilla head!

BONNIE: Hey! That's far out!

[Bonnie puts on the mask.]

BONNIE: Look!
GENERAL'S DAUGHTER: Oh goodie!

BONNIE: Grrrr! Off all the imperialists pigs!!
GENERAL'S DAUGHTER: I'm gonna get my machine gun!

[As Bonnie walks around with her guerilla mask, the girl's mother comes in. She is shocked and appalled by the sight of Bonnie in her living room.]

BONNIE: Kill the Yankee dogs!
WINNIFRED's MOTHER: Winnifred?! Did anyone call while.... EEIIKK!! Good lord!

[Bonnie then proceeds to walk into the table and trips on it, sending her into freefall.]

BONNIE: Oops!
WINNIFRED'S MOTHER: Oh, no!

[Her fall and the resulting impact completely destroy the beautiful, mahogany coffee table and everything else on it. Bonnie looks up to Winnifred's mother with an sheepish smile. Suffice it to say, she is not amused.]

WINNIFRED (hand covering her mouth): Ulp!

[Bonnie and Trots are swiftly kicked out of the house. As they walk away, Winnifred's mother's berating are heard.]

WINNIFRED'S MOTHER: How many times have I told you to keep your Commie friends out of here!?!

[The sound of a hit is made.]

BONNIE: Poor Winnifred...
TROTS: ...Crying her eye out.

Occasionally Trots and Bonnie@trotsandbonniefan· Jun 2

Excerpt from "Trots & Bonnie Meet the General's Daughter" in Dopin' Dan #1, 1972(ish)? // I couldn't find a "decent" and "affordable" copy anywhere so I'm relying on this partial scan I pulled from an muddy source online. You'll just have to accept it as is, sorry!" //