Midway Saloon (St. Paul) 🧻 less scary than it seems I haven’t encountered this stuff for a minute, so I couldn’t immediately remember if it was a bad one or the average one. It’s the average one. Nothing to write home about, but it gets the job done without being uncomfortable.

AMC Southdale (Edina) 🧻 it peaked at the subpar handfeel It’s strong, but only in a way that makes it annoying to tear. The plies are not friends. It’s not the roughest toilet paper out there, but it’s not pleasant. It is fairly absorbent, but at what cost?

what’s your sign? ✌🏻❤️🧻

👀👀👀 ✌🏻❤️🧻

Brand: Caboo Type: Bamboo Sample Size: 1 Double Roll Initial thoughts: It’s so thin and the handfeel is atrocious. It’s a good thing there was only one roll of this sitting on the shelf at Kowalski’s because it’s going to take forever to get through. I do not recommend this brand.

White Squirrel (St. Paul) 🧻 Suspiciously soft—possibly made from Kevin’s fur?

DFL SCC Meeting (Waconia) 🧻 VERY VERY BAD It tries to trick you with the embossed pattern, but it’s very rough and scratchy. Awful handfeel. Worse, it’s so weak. You will need at least 4x as much as you think you need.

vertical integortion

I have acquired the test subjects for my next two home toilet paper evaluations!

Como Lake Pavilion (St. Paul) 🧻 clearly expired This might be the heat exhaustion talking, but this seemed wider than other park toilet papers. Handled vast amounts of sweat with aplomb. Inoffensive on all counts. Bib-worthy.

oh hell yeah say the right things about maplewood and perhaps @maplehoodunited.bsky.social will send you an awesome collection of stickers too!

Blackstack (St. Paul) 🧻 not bad. not bad at all. Unlike the terrifying bathroom entrance, the toilet paper’s embossed pattern is quite welcoming. The rough—but not sharp—edges are a clear indicator that this TP is soft. It was absorbent, had a nice hand feel, and I didn’t need much.

Soul of the Southside/Biffs Porta Potties 🧻 I am shooketh (complimentary) This is the first ever soft toilet paper I’ve found in a Porta Potty and tbh I am here for it. You need just a fuckton given how thin it is, but it’s actually pretty nice.

Davanni’s - Cleveland (St. Paul) 🧻 BOring I love reviewing toilet paper; I hate reviewing this stuff. Don’t put a pattern like this on aggressively mediocre toilet paper. It serves no purpose beyond getting someone’s hopes up only to immediately dash them. Do better, Big Toilet Paper. Do. Better.

three plies confirmed. I actually think it would be better without the third one. this is too many plies.

Brand: Who Gives a Crap Type: Recycled Sample Size: 4 Mega Rolls Initial thoughts: they talk a big game about soft and comfy, but I wasn’t feeling it. It’s definitely strong, but it felt more like a commercial paper towel and I have yet to find the third ply. Idk man. Idk.

corporate wants you to find the difference between these two pictures

New Brighton Community Center 🧻 they put the whole budget into the play place This felt like printer paper. It is so strong, but has little else going for it. I don’t know from experience, but I do not recommend using this for anything that isn’t liquid. A great example of why plies don’t matter.

Spoon Lake - East (Maplewood) 🧻 ughhhhhhhhhh why All too familiar with this glorified sandpaper. I am once again begging municipalities to put just like a little bit more into their toilet paper budgets. Take it from the police budget. But then also make the police wipe with this stuff.

Updating this since it’s the same toilet paper and I never actually wrote a review. Big Rivers Regional Trail Pavilion (Eagan) 🧻 the bib-worthiest It’s sort of soft, decently absorbent, and tears nicely along the perforation. It handles sweat disturbingly well. Plus it has that lovely pattern.

“Everything was beautiful and most of the toilet paper hurt.” — Kurt Vonnegut Tour de Luce: Toilet Paper Reviews Edition is all rolled up. Can’t wait for next year!

Pizza Luce - Uptown 🧻 I don’t wanna 😭 It’s very bad.

Pizza Luce - Richfield 🧻 nope I regret being hydrated enough to need this.

Pizza Luce - Hopkins 🧻 Ceci n’est pas toilet paper I mean it’s in a port-a-potty. You’re not gonna have a good time.

Pizza Luce - Downtown 🧻 very nice handfeel No heft but very soft, surprisingly sturdy, and tears well. The two plies are Not Friends. I don’t think it’ll hold up against sweat, so hang out for a bit before you head to the restroom.

Pizza Luce - Seward 🧻 perforated and has a cute little pattern that only the trained eye of a toilet paper would notice Rough but not scratchy. Tears well. Seems absorbent, but I was a lot less sweaty here so that’s an educated guess.

Pizza Luce - St. Paul 🧻 sweat-proof, which is what really matters It’s rough and scratchy but I was so fucking sweaty and it held up, so I guess it’s absorbent enough.

They know 👀👀👀👀

Who’s ready for Tour de Luce: Toilet Paper Reviews Edition?! Tomorrow is my first ever Tour de Luce, and I’ll be biking to 6 different locations. I’ll try to stay hydrated enough to review the toilet paper at each one, but no promises. They better all be bib-worthy though.