INFOWARSelf_NK correspondent
@unexpectedsand
North Korea special assignment reporter, REALINFOWARS. **Once you go flat, you never go back.** Flat Elf starter pack:
The perfect size to fit between the large, bouncy breasts of a beautiful, lonely male. (I am sending this by private message aren't I? ) I also like giant cheese balls, so yeah ... BIG MOON!
What? My tiny moon has two hemispheres and is slightly singed from my fireworks filming.
To be fair, I am a flat elf, so ... Keep expectations low to avoid disappointment.
YO HUMAN BRO. I am not *dead*, I am in a padded mailer with one-way postage to North Korea and a copy of the "Totally NOT CIA North Korean Language Handbook." So everything is just fine.
Elves are hard at work with spray paint and glutter. Coming soon to a MERCH store near you.
Someone has given Infowars the finger. This was the original.
@realinfowars.bsky.social They just put me through the franking machine. On the plus side, I guess the postage is sufficient to get to NK. On the negative, the franking machine cancelled my bum, which was already sore from the fireworks incident. This padded mailer sucks ass.
ELVES. USED . TO. LOOK. LIKE. THIS. (Now singed around the edges.)
WAS one of Russia's biggest refineries. I love 5th of July and 6th of July. (Washington DC fireworks pictured)
My old shoes were so much nicer. These are the ones available as Merch. (50% off with discount code #CRISPYELF)
RealInfoWars has replaced my shoes. They almost fit.
Tell him that I put the mentos in his whataburgers and brought him the diet Pepsi. I want him to know it was me. (Due to poor planning, I was in the blast zone.)
Just a little fireworks converted into nanoparticles, what could go wrong?
At the hospital they offered me a turkey sandwich and a cup of vanilla pudding. My stomach is not that big, so they brought me a single pita chip. I am carrying it home on my back, it will provide much needed sustenance as I reconsider my life choices.
I have carefully located myself in the footage of my epic launch last night.
For just $100 an hour, I will scuba dive in the reflecting pool and take on these suspects in hand-to-hand combat.
I love a giant mousetrap. ❤️❤️❤️ We should have donated some of THIS to Ukraine for their war effort.
What a long strange trip it was. My bum hurts. My ears hurt. My shoes are *ruined* And there is no line on the expense report for "replacement clothing, made of crayon."
I am good or am I good? (At stealing other people's puns.) This one is 2nd best.
Fireworks just ended. My ass is toast, literally. Here is the crowd of hundreds.
Folks, just hold your breath until you get home. Lots of nanoparticles here.
They are playing Prince now. Did they actually licence it from the estate?