Vlad the Impala

@vlad-the-impala

🇺🇲🇬🇧 Nevadan idiot I was vlad.the.impala on Threads I'm married to @foofertheimpala (i hide things in alt texts that no one reads)

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Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· 18d

The first gnome is Archenon, weaver of spells
The second is Bahn who crafts intricate bells
The third is Carratta a hunter supreme
And fourth is poor Danforth, all they do is dream
The fifth, noble Eowood, warrior bold
The sixth one is Fingal who likes to find gold
And last is the youngest, they've just grown a beard
Goodmonson is silly and chatty and weird

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· 25d

Many thanks to the lovely and talented @joncarling.bsky.social for the magical surprise I found in my PO box

A medieval rabbit
With a fancy little sword
And kinky boots, dagnabbit
They're the best he could afford

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· 25d

Poem for #AmpersandAfterDark #prompt: Relief must become complicated. Re: @madp03t.bsky.social

Pour a glass of water
Place beneath your chin
Drinking from the furthest edge
Your chances are quite slim

Grip it with your pinky fingers
Thumbs pushed in your ears
Take a sip and count to eight
But it won't disappear

Hold your breath as best you can
Have keys dropped down your top
A little voice inside your head
Is sure that it won't stop

You cannot call the doctor
As are you really sick?
Keep trying to make up a cure
To stop this bloody 'hic"

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Jun 9

Perfect placement

A picture of Trump asleep at the Knicks game with the "Frog and Toad Bot" publishing the phrase "Then Toad felt tired and he fell asleep" directly beneath it.

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Jun 1

Amazon. Please take "no" for an answer.

Stop trying to make Alexa plus happen
It's not going to happen

As a meme

Because Amazon is trying to force this service on me
And I hate it

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· May 10

Happy Sunday #PoetsOfDoom @jenthorne.bsky.social @daveashleypoet.bsky.social @sonnetsmith.bsky.social @phylogeneticsteve.bsky.social @brianbilston.bsky.social

We cornered the cat
With the aid of a net
Yowling and screaming
A gift for the vet

They x-rayed him twice
While he put up a fight
And pumping his stomach
Was such a delight

Sat in a bucket
Was kitty digestion
Stinking the surgery
Raising a question

Checking the vomit
And everything in it
The mystery continues:
Whither the linnet?

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Apr 21

Painting of Yorkshire With a Yorkshire pudding frame Unquestionable

Amy Gledhill's prize task in Taskmaster S21E02 was a painting of Yorkshire with a Yorkshire pudding frame

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Apr 12

All that tagging seems such work I don't wanna even try Sorry if I seem a jerk: Poem shoved in a reply

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Apr 2

If you look for Searchlight, NV on Google Maps and follow the road that goes west towards Nipton, CA, that road is the Joshua Tree Highway. At night, it looks just like your painting. In other news, I now have my own fake Jennifer Aniston

Notification
Fake Jennifer Aniston
Is following you
(haiku)

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Mar 12

You should try some Joshua Trees, next

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Feb 7

Here you go

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Jan 21

I thought you'd stick to sports documentaries like Rollerball.

A poster for the movie Rollerball

It used to be a dystopian nightmare but, these days, it's looking pretty darn fun

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Dec 25

Merry Christmas everyone From this nefarious kit Except for racist lunatics Who make him want to spit

A cat in a balaclava
Going "Christmas Shopping"
But my belief
Is he's a thief
And may require some stopping

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Dec 1

Until then we'll have to settle for South Park

Pete Hegseth stuck in cell 13
He's angry, dim and blunt
He really likes to cause a scene
Oh what a silly… fellow

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Dec 1

When the Spring Mountains, west of Vegas, get their first dusting of snow, I'm always taken by surprise.

A shot of the Spring Mountains, freshly dusted with snow, taken from the I-15 near to Sloan, Nevada, just south of Las Vegas.

Sloan is a dump but the mountains are pretty

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Oct 18

Happy No-Kings Caturday

Innocent cute little kitty
So happy and quiet and pretty
But this poor gentle cat
Is about to go "splat"
And be spread across most of the city

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Oct 2

"It's very pooey, Alex!" Sara Pascoe Taskmaster season 3

I must tell you folks that Taskmaster's a hit
Famous comedians in a field full of shit
Rolling and crawling in a hopeless endeavor
I recommend this show as it's silly and clever

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Sep 27

It's no use you sitting there cursing It's high time you started reversing This road's narrow and twisty Turning round is too risky And so backwards's how you'll be traversing #limerick #vsspic

The other sign, it warned you
You ignored it and drove past
This sign right here will scorn you
As for laughs, it has the last

You drove into a dead end road
And much to your surprise
This mocking sign is here to goad
And cut you down to size

[A yellow diamond-shaped sign reading "IT SAID DEAD END STUPID"]

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Sep 26

Looking at us ꙅu ƚɒ ʞɔɒd ǫᴎiʞoo⅃ We wave ʞɔɒd ɘvɒw ɘW To kids it feels like magic #vsspic

A mirror on a wooden pole
Placed opposite your drive
So, when you join the busy road
You'll probably survive

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Sep 22

I mean, come on, what's not to like?

Captain, Rat, Algy and Dave,
AKA The Damned, looking dashing in New York in the late 70s

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Sep 16

Here they are

Left to right:
May Dup-Name, Fay Kname, Sue Denim, P. Uppet, Ima Yessman

All look suspiciously like puppets

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Sep 14

Final fading summer breeze Autumn comes to call Leaves are browning on the trees Looking soon to fall #acrostic #vsspic

Frowny face upon a leaf
Lying there in disbelief
Photographed all brown and dead
Pick a better pic instead?

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Sep 11

Cannot stop grinning So hard to contain my joy 𝚃𝙰𝚂𝙺𝙼𝙰𝚂𝚃𝙴𝚁 is back! #haikufeels

The Taskmaster series 20 cast in an American Gothic setting. This new series starts tonight!

If you're not in the UK, it will be on YouTube tomorrow

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Sep 9

And fucked they get…

A reasonable man who loves his dog, empowers women, and mercilessly destroys Nazis

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Sep 8

A four panel Calvin and Hobbes comic

1. Calvin and Hobbes are in the kitchen. Calvin: Wanna see something weird?

2. Calvin puts a slice of bread in the toaster. Calvin: Watch… You put bread in this slot and push down this lever…

3. They both watch toast fly out of the toaster as it goes "ding". Calvin: Then in a few minutes toast pops up.

4. Hobbes squints into the toaster slot. Hobbes: Wow. Where does the bread go? Calvin: Beats me. Isn't that weird?

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Sep 6

Barefoot in the meadow But strangely feeling calm Tiny blue forget-me-nots Enchant me with their charm Lost among the flowers I didn't seem to mind So much different from the ward That I'd left far behind #vsspic

When I see the "squelch" button on a walkie-talkie, I always imagine bare toes in marshy ground.

These tiny flowers may be "baby blue" but I've decided they're forget-me-nots for the poem.

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Aug 30

Behold the happy spider As she weaves herself a home A trap for all the unaware Who visit her biome They find they have to tarry there And visit with the spinner And, as she's so persuasive, They'll be sure to stay for dinner #vsspic

I believe when I weave
All the threads so I'm fed
And my prey has to stay
Come to harm in my arms

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Aug 25

She met him on the 8:15 And never knew his name He didn't seemed to notice her She gladly did the same She really hopes that he'll be back Upon tomorrow's train Sitting by her, on his phone Ignoring her again #vsspic

Sitting in the Quiet Coach
As happy as can be
Happily ignoring you
While you're ignoring me

Our journey isn't very long
I still don't want to chat
I know that you're not chatty, too
And I'm alright with that

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Aug 24

Upside down clown
Falls on his head
Pretends that he meant it
But his face is bright red

Vlad the Impala@vlad-the-impala· Aug 13