Mark Watson

@watsoncomedian

I do standup and also write all manner of things. At the moment I'm very much doing this: @murderbastard.bsky.social

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Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Jul 11

I've not seen this before. Interested to know how it is possible to certify that nobody can possibly get frustrated by it, and - if it IS legit - whether I can somehow wrap all of life in it.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Jun 22

He does look a bit cross, yes.

A London Underground poster for an Amazon Prime series called 'Cross'. The actor shown is a young Black man with short hair and a neat beard. He's holding a torch, as if at a crime scene maybe. He's left-handed, like most brave and intelligent people. He has some sort of earpiece in. His expression is one of concentration, alertness. But at a push you could say he looks a bit 'cross'. See, it was barely worth posting let alone all this explanation, but I do always do the alt text.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Jun 10

What on earth.

A still more confusing sign. Bedrooms 340-344 are to the right and up, but also Bedrooms 330-305 (?), and 440-443. To the left, 238-205. Right and down, Bedrooms 240-249.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Jun 10

Um...

A sign in a hotel, in a wooden frame, pale green patterned wallpaper behind it. The sign says Bedrooms 219-443 with an arrow in one direction (right), but Bedrooms 201-305 with an arrow in the other. Obviously, that means quite a few rooms are in both directions.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Jun 7

Thanks to three great audiences in Exeter; also my parents for making it possible by raising me. Work-in-progress is in promising shape. Edinburgh tickets below. Meanwhile, from the kids' show, here I am in a bin again. (T-shirt art: @petefowlerart.bsky.social) www.thestand.co.uk/fringe/2973/...

Unkempt middle-aged man with grey-tinged dark hair stands in a recycling bin in a theatre, bearing a black t-shirt with the image of a cartoon animal, from the Super Furry Animals' classic 1997 album Radiator.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Jun 4

My most recent novel is out in paperback TODAY. As you can see, there's been a dazzling redesign of the cover. Meanwhile the Kindle ebook is 99p all month. For those with no time for books, you can also buy it as a chocolate bar, a roll-on deodorant, or I can WhatsApp you the entire thing.

A poorly shaven man sits with two copies of his book. Pink cover says ONE MINUTE AWAY in green type, and there's a piece of sushi with a clock-face on it, although actually sushi doesn't come up in the book. One copy is smaller than the other, but they're otherwise identical.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· May 25

At the weekend I went to see the very great band the Super Furry Animals and there I ran into probably the best, funniest standup of my generation of comics, Mr Rhod Gilbert. He was pleased to see me too, I think, this is just his face in photos.

Middle aged men. One with a baseball cap and black t shirt. The other in a blue t shirt that bears the name of the band Super Furry Animals and, very unusually, black shorts. The blue-shirted guy has his arm slung round the shoulders of the other man.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· May 22

PEACE NO WAR PUTIN - THINK THAT. If Vladimir is passing through Taunton this'll certainly give him something to ponder.

Words chalked on a pillar: PEACE NO WAR PUTIN THINK THAT. Above them, a graffiti tag which looks like 'Amok'.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· May 17

I bought my little niece this Paddington Bear toy which talks when you squeeze it, but now my sister's dog has got hold of it and is savaging it ruthlessly while it says things like 'I wonder what adventures I shall have today!' and 'I'm your friend!'

A lean brown and white dog absolutely menacing a Paddington Bear toy, hurling it into the air.

Again, the dog savaging the Paddington Bear toy, which is this time on the floor.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Apr 1

Think I said this back in the Twitter days but every time I pass a Five Guys, the reviews in the windows/on the walls fascinate me. I just don't believe in the Washington Post quote 'Memorable Sandwich'.

The interior of a Five Guys restaurant. A mostly white wall with a testimonial: ''Memorable Sandwich'' - Washington Post Magazine

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Mar 16

I admire the sass of this shopfront, but I can see it coming under quite a few challenges. 'So you're saying I don't need toothpaste, or trousers.'

A shop window, hung with multiple differently shaped and coloured bulbs, and various little trinkets, with a sign that says IF WE DON'T HAVE IT YOU DON'T NEED IT.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Mar 11

TRIVIA (from the Impatient Productions office spring clean): what is unusual about this poster, by @haiminh.bsky.social? (It isn't the bath; everyone was doing photoshoots in the bath back then.)

A poster for MARK WATSON: HOW YOU CAN ALMOST WIN. 24/05/20, at Cedar Hall in Wells. In the image, a bemused-looking Watson, bespectacled and in a suit, appears to be in a bathtub.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Feb 10

I bought this record from a charity shop. The sleeve makes it sound like Tchaikovsky himself called it Romeo & Juliet Etc. ‘Fuck it, that’ll do.’

The side of a twelve-inch record. It says TCHAIKOVSKY - ROMEO & JULIET ETC.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Feb 9

New neurosis opportunity just dropped

A poster for something called Infinite Bodies, by Wayne McGregor, asks HOW PHYSICALLY INTELLIGENT ARE YOU?

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Feb 5

OK I’m at a friend’s house. Two people live here: my friend and his wife. He’s just opened the mug drawer. There are, I would say, 30 plus mugs. He maintains he has a normal number of mugs. I think it’s a LOT of mugs. What you all think?

Around thirty mugs of different sizes. THIRTY.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Feb 4

Why not, I thought, let’s give it a go. The ‘surprise’: it wasn’t a pastry at all, but a tiny magical man who is going to grant all my wishes. Unbelievable value for £3. Obviously can’t guarantee everyone will get that, that’s why it’s CALLED a surprise.

A paper bag and a post-it note which says ‘surprise pastry bag, £3’.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Feb 2

Melbourne: cheap tickets to see me here. For one day only. But the day doesn’t start yet. It will soon, though.

$25 tickets for 25 hours for Mark Watson (blue jumper, pensive expression, crossed legs, pictured in a Melbourne laneway). ‘Til 1pm AEDT, Wed 4 Feb.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Jan 31

Three consecutive audiences who were absolutely great. Thanks to all of you who came this week. Tomorrow: no show. Just a squash match. We focus now on that.

Theatre full of people, taken from the back of the auditorium.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Jan 30

This is ticking along nicely still, would love to have you on board. I don't feel bad promoting it because I'm comfortably making a loss on it. Trailer from @matryer.bsky.social once more.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Jan 25

I stand by this, from a previous winter. If you feel January is going to drag, set yourself a tough project with a Jan 31 deadline and watch that fucker RACE away from you. Also works with any other month and with the whole of life. (Thanks to @vixleyton.bsky.social for the image.)

'Keep seeing these 'is it STILL January' tweets but all you've got to do is live with a crushing sense of life's brevity and your time running out to leave even a faint mark on the world and, I tell you what, Jan files by just like the rest of them.'

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Jan 14

Any government, when the subject of better funding of mental healthcare is raised:

A little banner outside a cafe says: ‘sometimes having coffee with a friend is all the therapy you need’. A line drawing of two human figures embracing, both of them emerging from coffee cups.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Jan 10

WHO was leaving South London at 4am, and why? There are numerous trains from Euston to Macc; kickoff was 12.30. Even the 9.33 would have done it, changing at Stafford. Or if trains too pricey/unreliable, it’s no more than five hours drive time; six to be safe. Do I have to do everything round here?

A BBC report on Macclesfield’s game with Crystal Palace claims that the away fans ‘set off at 4am this morning to get up to Macclesfield’, which is demonstrably not necessary.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Jan 5

Now, look. It was never ‘hatred’.

In an interview, Alex Horne relates the tale of the time I did all that texting for nothing and describes me looking at him ‘with absolute hatred’ before endearingly saying ‘l’m not very comfortable making people unhappy’.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Jan 5

Someone has changed my Wikipedia photo. The previous one was only taken in 2024 but I accept I’m greying so rapidly Wikipedia has decided an annual review is now necessary.

Wikipedia page for Mark Watson, fairly described as an ‘English comedian, novelist and producer’. The photo is of a curly-haired, greying man in a checked shirt, smiling defiantly despite the onrushing abyss etc.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Dec 29

Increasingly distant versions of myself haunt me at every turn in my parents’ house.

A small boy, about five, wearing a grey-blue sweater that says CANADA. He’s sitting on a weird fur rug thing in a portrait studio, in the mid-eighties.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Dec 24

The trouble with being on something like this on Christmas Eve is you get too MUCH attention if anything, when you’re just trying to relax.

Promotional slide for a show called Christmas Treats We Loved And Lost on Channel 5, now. Mark Watson and various other affordable figures, mostly in Christmas attire, are depicted with a range of nostalgic items, most of them difficult to make out.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Dec 12

That’s it. I’m on the train home after the last of, what, 200 gigs this year? Thank you very much to every single person who has (voluntarily) watched me in 2025. I’m about to get hammered*. *I have just one of those little wines you can buy in M and S

Man on a train. It’s Mark Watson. He’s got a shacket on. A shacket is like a shirt meets jacket.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Dec 12

Truly there’s not much better than playing the drums, even if you aren’t really any good at it. Apart from playing the drums AND signing backup with Horne. Five hours to go for these reluctant heroes.

Mark Watson, yellow t shirt, at a drum kit (set up for a right hander), with members of the Horne Section in front of him, including Horne himself. Yellow and red circus-style curtains behind them. A hoarding says ONE SONG 24 HOURS (though you can only see the first part of that).

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Dec 12

I’ve done a lot of endurance comedy things; I performed for 36 hours once. But this is maybe the most ill-advised undertaking I have ever seen. Fair play.

Alex Horne at a microphone, the musicians of the Horne Section around him. They’re in a shop window essentially, with circus-like curtains behind them.

Mark Watson@watsoncomedian· Nov 19