Speccy Twat

@speccytwat

Wazzock, dingbat and absolute flangleswubbler (not necessarily in that order). Vote 💚 ✊🏼 Typical Aquarian: arty, farty & cynical as fuck, particularly re. astrology. Banner: Hyacinth Bucket (…yes) waving a pink cup while grimacing. Photo: A twat. In specs.

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Speccy Twat@speccytwat· 28d

He looks happier than he usually is on Taskmaster. So that’s nice. #Bless x

A newspaper ad for a Mr Nowhere Fast mobility scooter, featuring a cheery, white haired/ bearded fella heading off for a cruise. He bears the slightest resemblance to a certain comedian… ish.

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· 28d

“Simply The Best”: R.I.P. #ShorterThanIExpected

A swishy Carex plant in a pot, all yellow fronds in a bushy mass. The similarity with the lively bonce of the (no longer lively) Tina Turner is the whole basis for this post.
I can only apologise.
At some point, maybe…

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· 29d

Familiar refrain, I know, but: why the fuck is anyone still on X? What more do you need to know about the fascist-appeasing dickwad that owns it, before “okay; that’s enough” is effected? 🤨 #DodgyBastardKlaxon

Screenshot from the i newspaper regarding celebs watching the England game: quotes include Liam Gallagher, “writing on X…”, and “Writing on X, the Prince of Wales also congratulated…”.
Fuck’s sake. Why?

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jul 11

If Eminem and Mrs Slocombe had procreated… (Ryerson? BING!) #NORvENG

Norwegian footballer Julian Ryerson, all mean and moody with a pink buzz cut.

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jul 10

(Yeah, I’m picking this particular linguistic scab again…) Hey, if we’re talking like babies (about babies), why not go with “Mummy’s t*mmy”, eh? If you’re going to embarrass yourself, at least fucking COMMIT.

BBC News app article about a minimally invasive treatment during pregnancy… reporter is Philippa Roxy.

In the article, pseudo-journalist Roxby refers to a “needle or telescope into the mother’s tummy.”

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jul 10

Up the workers, eh Nige? Right up the workers’ collective arses, with an unlubed prickly pear… The willingness of thickos to believe his shite is arguably Darwinism at work; I just wish it didn’t fucking affect the rest of us. #MeritocracyPlease #ToadyMcCuntFarridge @privateeyenews.bsky.social

Number Crunching in Private Eye:
“Reform is now the party of workers” – Nigel Farage on X, 9 June

0 Times Nigel Farage spoke or voted in the House of Commons in April and May

12 Hours work flogging gold bullion, for which Farage was paid £270,000 on 29 May

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jul 10

Yo. I’m banging on again about bloody baby talk… Apologies (ish). Radio 4 Today programme just now, talking about a new treatment for in utero twins. Thanks to the scientific lingo of the correspondent, we get a reference to “…the mother’s TUMMY”. Fucking HELL, stop infantilising stuff! 🤨 #Argh

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jul 9

Sweatiness > guilt 😬 (courtesy of @privateeyenews.bsky.social )

Private Eye item: GETTING AN AIRCON UNIT

Those arguments against:

• High energy consumption
• High carbon emissions
• Hydrofluorocarbons can leak out
• Manufacturing footprint
• Contribution to global warming

Those arguments for:

• It is bloody hot

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jul 8

“Honey, I was *so* happy to see you, my…” #SomethingAboutMeatballs

Ikea blueberry and raspberry jam, which goes by the name of Vaggsang.

Yes.

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jul 8

And now: the contents of this box, built just now. By me. 😇 (No hound in situ… yet.) #FlatpackWarrior ✊🏼😎

An Ikea Strandmon armchair, wingback style, in light grey with a mustard yellow cushion on it.

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jul 8

I am, at long last, catching the Fußball from the early hours of Monday morning… Considerably lower levels of squeaky bumness than usual when watching England, I must confess. 😎

The England squad, posing for a team photo on the pitch, just prior to kick off versus Mexico on Sunday night.

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jul 8

What did they expect it to turn into?! 🤨

Tesco app screenshot for Rubicon Still Guava Juice Drink…
Yeah, that’s it; that’s the joke.
As ever: I’m sorry (ish)…

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jul 8

Dog’s life. Innit? 😊

My Border terrier, sprawled atop an as yet unopened boxed Strandmon chair from Ikea. Child #2 put him up there; the dog has clearly decided that the cardboard is a cooler surface than the carpet, and is resolutely chilling like a God!

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jul 8

CONE-ON THE BARBARIAN or something… @privateeyenews.bsky.social 🍦

Latest cover of Private Eye, showing oily grifter Farridge holding an ice cream in front of beach huts. Speech bubbles either side say “Where’s your lolly, Nigel?”, and “He’s going into meltdown”, while Toadchops himself says “It’s not a scoop - it’s fake news!”.
The headline is “Farage feels the heat”.

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jul 7

‘Anti-establishment’, private school-educated, Kompromat Kunt? My FUCKING ARSE, you are! #ItsTheFrogsIFeelSorryFor 🐸 🚫

Screenshot of the Beeb News app, relating to Farridge’s resignation as an MP. “This will be a people versus the establishment by-election”, he disingenuously asserted.

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jul 5

He only wears them to appear more intelligent; nothing wrong with his eyesight… 😎 #WhosACleverBoyThen

My scruffy blonde Border terrier, eyes firmly closed and snoozing on a mustard coloured foot stool. I’ve fully taken advantage of his benevolent nature (and lack of consciousness) to plonk my specs across his schnozzer.

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jul 5

Somebody tell me where my medal is…😂 Started actually READING a BOOK while eating my grub, and I’m on Chapter 6 already! 🤩😇 Helps that it’s insightful, funny as fuck, and written by my new mate*, @markthomasinfo.bsky.social *poor bastard: one photo after a WIP show and now I’ve gone all weird(er)

My hand, holding a book open on a table at Chapter 6; on the left of the image, under my mitt, is another prized purchase from the gig: a bin sticker in white text on red, advising ‘PLEASE MIND THE FARAGE’, accompanied by a silhouette of a wheelie bin, with some probably unctuous matter, oozing from beneath said refuse receptacle.

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jul 5

But… WHICH SHOPPER?! Also: my Border Terrier is treating this sign with appropriate levels of respect… good lad ✊🏼😊 #PedanticTwat

A somewhat weathered car park sign, attached to some low black iron railings, which states: SHOPPER’S CAR PARK, ie the car park belonging to one shopper. And yes, I am that fucking annoying. I annoy myself, don’t worry.
In the bottom left of the image, against the corner of the sign, my gingery blonde border terrier is cocking his back leg in indignation (or urination, one or the other).

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jul 3

SHOSHIDGESH! #DogsLifeInnit 🥰

Shaggy blonde rescue mutt, prostrate as usual, with visibly prominent lower incisors, courtesy of her underbite.

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jul 3

Just saying the same, despite Chaka and her batshit novelty lampshade dress… 👌🏼😎

Chaka Khan in a crazy fringed black dress.

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jul 3

AI HAALAND KLAXON. #TOTP

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jul 2

What the hell are you on about? Wait…

Douglas Adams, looking a tad disgruntled and thumb-pointing (the proper way) behind him.

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jul 2

@markthomasinfo.bsky.social Absolutely fucking brilliant show, from an eternally and hilariously indignant bloody marvel 😁 Thank you for being both wonderfully funny, and a smashing human… from one child of a doddery coffin dodger to another 😄✊🏼 #OlderButNoFuckingWiser

Me and Mark Thomas, looking equally deranged and discombobulated. He’s fucking awesome, always was and always will be!

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jul 1

❓

Cheeky wee footie devil, Alan Hanson. Clearly captured just as he was popping out to the chippy (he’s in a dinner jacket and bow tie).

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jul 1

(Absolutely first class Alt Text.) See also:

A thoroughly aghast Hattie Jacques, in customary Matronly garb, looking off to the right as we see her.

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jul 1

These two, on this programme, bring me such fucking joy. They’re decent humans, with different but complementary personalities, and equal dollops of cracking humour and decent, wonderful humanity. Funny, feel good telly: recommended. #WillAndRalf #DaftWazzocks 😊

Will & Ralf Should Know Better promo pic, with the pair of them in Victorian acrobat style leotard thingies.

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jun 29

Which one of you lot said that? Eh?

Comedy specs dude with some seriously lenticular lenses.

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jun 29

FEWER. FEWER years… and, ironically enough, FEWER fucks to give. Moonpig, I couldn’t care fewer about your new cards… 🤨 #NarkyTwatKlaxon

Screenshot from a Moonpig email I got today, regarding some new cards that are available; one of which has a cartoon mini birthday cake, and the words “less years to live, less f**ck’s to give”.
I give up (almost)…

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jun 28

Apologies to anyone with Spanish genes, but I’m doing a “paella” 😁 Y’know, now it’s cold and everything… #WinterWarmer 😊

Black speckled pan containing the usual suspects: short grain rice, tomatoes, chorizo, chicken, peas, the odd prawn, roasted peppers and Other Things, all in a lovely yellow/ red stock.
Hubba, and furthermore: Hubba.

Speccy Twat@speccytwat· Jun 27

Piss easy, Instagram. Now fuck off. 😂 #ClickBaitShitMate