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Been a while since i posted a selfie, so here ya go

Roku’s emailing me shit like this, terrifying that generative AI might replace comedy, how could a human come up with anything funnier than this

Every 4 years i try not to become the person the fifa world cup makes me

I remember this from the happy meal

I swear honey, our moon trip ran late & we’re still up here, nasa can’t report space dust to the public because it lowers morale, i’m sending you pics

Staggering that the racists of today & the fathers of contemporary american anti-immigration have indistinguishably been a version of this guy

An educational story wouldn’t be effective without a message, & what better message than the acceptance of habitat destruction & concreting over formerly green spaces to make way for the sweet heat of urbanization

Dwarfs, dwarves, or elves?! Adolescents & adults may not be as easily terrorized by the ol’ “dwarfs with magnets” tale. Try confusion: mix fantasy lore & reality just before they go inside the tube. They’ll be too fixated on deciphering what’s canon to notice being trapped in a sarcophagus of regret

An MRI can be scary, which is why it’s important to explain to children how they work. It is even more crucial to lie. Lie to children convincingly by shrouding the lie in partial truths. Ensure your lie is even more terrifying than the truth. Do not let children discover that the truth is boring

I thought this was an ad for a dustpan

“Being alive is all in your head,” claims ICU doctor who calls time of death too early

Mysterious indeed that the demographic least likely to wash their bedsheets constitutes the majority of patients hosting the parasite that lives in bedsheets

I contributed a chapter to this book and yes it's the one with "bleak" in the title. If you spot a typo don't tell me bristoluniversitypressdigital.com/edcollchap-o...

I had to learn from this guy about chocolate covered dates?

Actually delighted that fb thinks i’m the right demographic for kotn’s tough guys soft sweaters campaign

every once in a while midnight suns gets weird

I am also human and i can understand importance of item

Who’s teaching it? Someone from the generation that popularized “adulting” because no one taught them either, the generation that thinks “figure it out/bootstraps” is adulting, or the generation that’s dead?

AI sucks

Does not represent me, i identify as a person of resignation

Scotland will always have my heart 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

I have read this quote by malcolm jamal warner 6 times & still have no idea what he meant, but nonetheless the reference to leonard part 6 is hilarious r.i.p.

If you won’t go vegan for nature, nature will come fucking make you

I couldn’t remember christopher walken’s name

Americans who don’t qualify for foreign earned income exclusion (based on earning a lower income than the minimum set for the year) may acquire UK citizenship when they become eligible to do so, renounce their US citizenship, and live one income taxily ever after. Doing this is A Thing

This article doesn’t even explain what “because taxes” means. The double taxation of the income of Americans working abroad has been in place since before destroying the universe was even a twinkle in trump’s eye

This is the biggest giveaway that this snippet of the news cycle is about nothing

Why don’t you know my 3rd love language out of the 5 total love languages, it is also my 3rd from the bottom, why don’t you know it & make me feel special

Hi yes i’m calling to ask if your extreme torturer survival haunted house experience is wheelchair accessible